Quick thoughts on HIV

So as I'm cramming for a final exam and finally catching up on the HIV lecture, something shocks me and makes me profoundly hopeless.

It's not that I'm ignorant. I'd just never looked into it before but--have you seen the HIV phylogenetic tree? I mean, sure, I've always known that the mutation rate is high, but come on! I seriously thought the Congo tree was magnified.

How do we fight this thing?

Wisdom of Whores, Part 2

Here's a nugget from the book (p. 127) that made me both blush and grin at the same time, and on the SkyTrain, of all places. Just hope no-one was looking over my shoulders...

To quote my friend Claire in Istanbul, sex is about 'conquest, fantasy, projection, infatuation, mood, anger, vanity, love, pissing off your parents, the risk of getting caught, the pleasure of cuddling afterwards, the thrill of having a secret, feeling desirable, feeling like a man, feeling like a woman, bragging to your mates the next day, getting to see what someone looks like naked and a million-and-one other things'.

What fun it is to be an adult.

Wisdom of Whores, Part 1

As I made my way out of the SkyTrain station, some interesting thoughts arose from reading The Wisdom of Whores.

I'm surrounded by communicable disease epidemiology all day now, and public health follows me everywhere. It really is quite fascinating. It's not the kind of science that I'm used to--in fact, I'm still not sure if it's a science at all, strictly speaking. What I did realize though, was that perhaps I'm not really cut out for some of this stuff.

The book has proven very engaging so far, possibly aided by exotic and rather shady locales, the horrific subject matter of AIDS and an equally appalling but strangely curious cast of characters. Before I started volunteering with the Health Van, there was no way I could have even imagined such populations as described in the book. Sure, I've seen ...things... in movies, but they're so limited and commercialized.

The scents and sounds of a writhing darkness, the threat of disease and the urgency of desire flaunting themselves on every dimly lit street corner, all this is too much for my sheltered mind to process. --I would not last an hour in the frontlines of HIV/AIDS public health. I don't have the stomach for it.

Suppose I've been wrong, that I can't be both good and bad, kind and punishing, honourable and underhanded. That to delve into the deepest pit of human decadence, even just to collect scientific evidence, is to lose whatever good I have left in myself--and possibly more: whatever faith I have left for humanity. Could it be that there is no justification for sacrificing certain ethical principles for the greater good? Could what Franklin said about liberty and security be true?

Love and Loss

Amidst the inauguration of Obama, the melting polar icecaps, and the significant-to-nobody-but-me daily grind, where does intimacy reside?

We all want to be grown-ups, yet maintain and nurture that playful inner child. We want to be sheltered by the warmth that only those who truly love us can provide, and yet we are impatient to wriggle free of the seemingly stifling attention and make our marks on the world. In the process of this struggle, so often is intimacy lost, either taken for granted in a moment of petulance, or entirely overlooked as pressure from the outside world grinds us down. We must be exhausted, and lonely, to boot.

What does it really mean to be mature? Is it the ability to see the world for the harsh and cold place it really is? Is it being able to enjoy the company of a person to whom one is attracted, yet not push for a forbidden act? Is it having more questions than answers and to be content, or even proud in so doing?

Last night, Michelle and Barack danced as the world watched. For a few minutes, they could put aside the serious, almost grave business of running the still most powerful country in the world: that begins in the morning. For now, there's only the two of them. A promising leader, and his beautifully humble wife, in each other's arms, smiling at the victory, at each other.

Quantum of Solace

"...the one moment in a relationship when it's all over and there's nothing left, and you no longer have that tiny piece of something that makes it work, that quantum of solace..." --Daniel Craig, interview with Jay Leno

I am exercising extraordinary constraint in not speeding down to Metropolis and watching the new Bond movie all by myself, all else be damned. Oh but the anticipation! I remember my excitement when I first learned about the new movie, an excitement which has not been subdued by months of awaiting the release and now two more weeks' self-control. I got through today; I can go another sixteen. ...Damn, I thought it'd be fewer.

But it'll come, oh it'll come. And when it gets here, my patience will be rewarded.

I've always liked the new Bond, but the title of this movie struck me with a special resonance. Craig's Bond is fearless, decisive, and focused, all qualities which I have long lost. But he is after all, just a man, and as such is subject to pain, both corporeal and intangible.

What defines a meaningful relationship? At what point can someone say with certainty that either something is there, or that it has disappeared? Married couples joke that "that magic" is gone; old friends become lovers one day as if "a switch has been flicked somewhere"; those that go their separate ways often cite that, though they love each other, they're not "in" love. Couples fight all the time. They bicker and quarrel over the most trivial things sometimes. They question in which direction their life is going. The more significant disagreements can cause a rupture that may be irreparable. And yet, those relationships that are meant to last always recover from those deadly blows. What is that mysterious element that is so discrete and powerful?

A quantum of solace, that "spark of niceness in a relationship."

Bonds that cannot be broken, ties that are meant to be...all attributed to a single moment in time when a person finds that quantum of solace in the other. Perhaps that is the act of falling in love. It is this element of time and space, of emotions and acts, of memories and hopes, like a shining sigularity at the heart of the universe, holds the relationship together when all the rest start to tumble.
(to be continued...)

Rekindled

It had been some time since I had a serious look in my PHYS305 textbook. I had told myself that that was it, we were through, because I could not put up with any more intellectual abuse. Today I spent a good, solid three hours with it, whereupon all is forgiven, and we're back together again, I with deeper love and appreciation, and it offering more than I was ready to accept three years ago.

Coincidentally, I had been accosted by some Jehovah's witnesses and given a flyer which asked if I would like to know the Truth. I couldn't help but smile: if only the poor old ladies knew what a irreparably degenerate atheist I am and will likely always be! Nonetheless, it made me think.

"Energy, Information, Life." Thus runs the subtitle of my favourite science textbook. What is life, really? Dad and I have had numerous discussions over this topic, and like pretty much all of our conversations, they ended in the mere command "Go to bed, it's late" issued to me, while the commandant himself continued parlance with Mr. Daniels or the Beefeater. Putting aside the scientifically challenging (and rather irrelevant) topics of mind, consciousness, volition, etc., I asked myself what are the physical parameters of life? A standard enough question for a life-science student, but the physics part of it, that order and complexity that appear daunting to mankind, how would we explain that? Must life necessitate a Creator?

The text has an interesting "excursion" (Sec. 1.3) that inspired me like it would have done in days of old, when I was still naive and full of wonder. --That life can be deciphered and reduced to neat physical laws! Is not this far more attractive than Creationism on the organismal level? Imagine a nature that not only put us into being, but did so in such a way that, if we worked hard enough, we can eventually understand the process by which we ourselves came about. Is it not much more awe-inspiring than a genesis rooted in congealing out of the mind of some whimsical and all-powerful being outside of what we can even comprehend as reality? God works in mysterious ways. --But why? Why can't He tell us His rules? What is He afraid of? And why are we incapable of figuring them out? --Or are we not allowed? Principles of nature are freely accessible to us and have enriched our lives considerably during our quest to uncover them. No, I will not accede to supernatural causes.

I looked up from my book and breathed in a good lungful of air, with as much sorrow as pride. I come from a long line of human beings whose fascination lies in uncovering the most intimate aspects of science: the physical laws of life, how the rules that govern inanimate objects from atoms to the universe underscore the highest, possibly most intelligent and complex form of being as we know. It is an ambitious endeavour, one from which I have informally withdrawn due to a foreseeable lack of contributions to the movement. ...Pity. In the fleeting moments of confidence, I want to charge at it again. I wish to wield all my strength and penetrate the forbidding exterior of mathematics and bask in the embracing warmth of a phenomenon explained. But the rigor soon dissipates, and I am left alone again, dejected and confused, wondering how I got to this step and what to integrate next.

Biophysics will always be my first love, the one that filled my heart with an indescribable joy, even as I struggled with where it might lead me and leave me. Though it is no longer an option to spend my life with this particular interest, I allow myself to revisit it from time to time, and to relish in the experience that for a few years, I, too, have delved into the mysteries of life.

Reflections on Training

It's difficult to believe that it's been more than a year since I started volunteering with Disaster Management, and even harder to reconcile with the fact that I am now at the supervisor level while concurrently teaching new volunteers as an instructor. I've been out on a deployment in Saskatoon, both worked and supervised in the call centre, and interviewed more than a dozen new volunteers.

Whither will all this lead? Certainly, it's useful experience, but will it help me get to where I want to go? How should I use these experiences to show who I have become?

The past weekend in Victoria was a blast. I had forgotten how good company and a sense of purpose can put my life in clear focus, while relieving the stress and confusion caused by lack of confidence. Yet again, I ended up the object of good-humoured teasing. Those crazy loons from the Island sure know how to make even disasters fun!

Throughout the course, I kept asking myself if there were anything else I could have done in Saskatoon, and in other situations brought up in the training. Take the drunk lady, for example. How could I forget to take the beer away? How did I miss Gary's (feigned, ...or not) attempts to pick her up? Even when I lay in bed last night, I was still thinking of all the mistakes and remedies.

It was then that I realized the power of the vest. As soon as I put it on, I became someone else. The bold and glaring red gave me authority and a sense of focus, drove away my fears of failure, and amplified my natural ability to remain calm and logical.

If only there were a Red Cross vest for all the things we do in life!

cause and effect

"Of course it was cause and effect, but in the necessity with which one follows the other lay all the tragedy of life." --Of Human Bondage, p. 365

Philip was lamenting Cronshaw's imminent death due to his liver condition, but his rather bitter observation carries more relevance than that in the narrative.Yesterday we bought a squeaky toy for Kayla, since all her other ones were broken. It consisted of a plastic squeaker encased in a soft, plushy pillow in the shape of a bone. She was overjoyed the moment she got a hold of it, and easily found the spot she needs to bite to get it to squeak. She ran around the kitchen happily, tossing and pouncing on the furiously chirping toy. Within an hour, she had broken the squeaker, and the toy became nothing more than a sopping wet cotton ball. A little discomfited, Kayla sought still that spot--any spot--that caused the toy to make that happy sound, but to no avail.

Watching this, I quietly mused, does she not know that if she plays with it too roughly, she'll break it, and then she'll have nothing to play with any more? --Of course not: she's only a dog. But is that understanding of cause and effect what separates man from beast? How many humans don't know the consequences of dangerous behaviours like drinking and driving, or even chronic drinking that leads to liver conditions and to death?