Personalities and Pursuits (Part 1)

After much--MUCH--assessment and research into my own personality types and the subject matter in general, I think I'm finally close to a practical result.

Between the two kinds of colour-type tests and Myer-Brigg-Keirsey sorters, it seems that I've got a good grasp on both my personality and my behaviour preferences. I am a Red/Blue mix in the Colour Code (CC), and a Gold/Green pair in True Colours (TC)--that means I'm driven by power and altruism, and compelled by duty and competence. Results from MBK are a little more elusive, but that's the part that's interesting: the difficulty in settling on a type is what's troubling me in general.

It's too complicated to enumerate all the points and descriptions of these results, and in any case likely to be pointless. After all, data is meaningless without interpretation. Here now I will attempt at amalgamating and deciphering everything that I've found out in the past little while, in the hopes of identifying and repairing what's broken in me.

Why so unhappy?

Here's epiphany #1. If I were born as a CC Red--someone who is power-hungry and entirely committed to a goal without worrying about cost, how could I not be on the verge of pulling out my own hair if I started doubting my every decision? That's the difference between the Mastermind and the Architect. I feel like I've been forced to wait and explore other options because I no longer trust my own judgment. This has truly been my biggest challenge and my greatest fear: to be wrong, and to suffer the consequences. Worse yet, as a TC Green, I truly hate myself, and the TC Gold part of me that yearns for belonging automatically hauls me out from academia, because I've basically intellectually soiled myself, and the Green side will never let me forget that.

But what's the big deal with physics anyway? Sure, I value logic and intelligence, but there must be other fields that demonstrate wisdom and ingenuity without exposing my mutilated self-esteem to my obviously (--'cuz what else would they be?) derisive and critical peers.

Logically, there can be only two choices: either I demonstrate competence to myself, or I make peace with the fact that I failed. The former requires me to go back to exactly where I fell and try again to stand up on my own; the latter requires emotional detachment from the matter and finding another path where I will hopefully succeed. I'm taking a two-pronged approach, lest I repeat my previous mistake of putting all my grade-C eggs in one Biophysics basket-case. (--Boy, is THAT a mixed metaphor!)

I honestly don't believe I can't succeed. The more I did those tests, the more confident I became in my own abilities--those that I do possess, that is, and boy are they ever plentiful! Most people woul kill me and steal my brain to have that which I have, and here I am griping about how these god-given faculties are a burden to my progress!

I'm content as a Gold, but I'm really happy as a Green. Thinking back to the days and moments when I was truly enjoying myself, the activities at the time tend to be associated with those that Greens would find appealing. On the other hand, due to limited exposure to people and relationships, I hadn't quite developed my Gold colour, which leads me to believe that that color is the supportive colour, whereas Green is the dominant one.

Why did Gold develop?

I've always valued competency as a Green child, with competence and a sense of purpose, duty is a natural by-product. The other values evolved out of duty, I suppose. But the interesting part is security and the sense of belonging. In general, I'm not overly conscious of being accepted, because mainstream categories are, in my opinion, simply stupid anyway. However, with what I deem important--such as intelligence, ingenuity, expertise, perfection, truth, etc.--I silently crave approval and recognition.