Finally getting some free time on my hands. I know! I'll use this to enumerate some of the causes I believe in.
Have you ever counted how many campaigns there are nowadays? Everything is important and deserves your monetary contribution. There's no end to the creativity of the Fund Development/Campaign Management think tanks either. You can support cops riding for cancer, wear a rainbow of ribbons to show solidarity to those in undesirable conditions, sponsor your friends to bungee-jump off a building wearing superhero costumes--I don't even remember what that one's about. Not to mention the classics: hours of malnourished kids in Africa begging you to join WorldVision, sad songs about abandoned puppies and kitties pleading with you through a kennel while wobbling from missing limbs. So you wear a pin covered in jeans, slap on a sticker that advocates for child literacy, cover yourself in pink to let people know you care about women's healthy breasts... --yeah, I know, it's starting to turn sour, so I'll stop. But you get the idea.
The campaigns are too effective for saps like me. I find myself feeling guilty to flip away from the channel with the dying kids, hanging my head in shame while walking past representatives of typhoon-striken south Asian countries, and getting the strange urge to defend myself for doing these horrifying and ignorant things: that I don't have much money myself, that I already contribute to science and health by working as hard as I can at the CDC and planning to go into public health, that I really do sympathize with those suffering from illnesses ranging from asthma and Alzheimers to prostate cancer and stroke, which is why, again, I plan to go into public health. It's just humanly impossible to care about everything, and so now, here, I declare what I do care about and am willing to support above other causes.
1. The International Red Cross Movement
This is, in my opinion, one of the greatest achievements of mankind. To have a global network based on humanitarian values of alleviating suffering is the epitome of everything I believe in. So I put in time and, when I can, money into the organization, and choose to train and lead, and to respond when I'm called upon.
2. UNICEF
Children truly are innocent--not in the moral sense, but simply because they didn't choose to be dumped in the situation they often find themselves. And, since they were born into it, the least we can do as adults is to ensure they don't suffer too much. There are many save-the-children groups out there, but I chose UNICEF because it's a UN program, and presumably can make more of a difference that does not depend on religious commitments. Not to mention the Global Parents program to which I make a monthly donation provides life-saving nutrition items.
3. Cancer
From time to time, I donate a small amount to Canadian Cancer Society and BC Lung Association. Both my grand-fathers died of cancer, and my dad's a life-long smoker. I just hope the scientists find something useful soon.
4. Climate change
I'm not a tree-hugger, I don't go out of my way to advocate for sustainability, and I can't afford a hybrid car. What I can do is simple things like reduce, reuse and recycle. I kind of like the Earth being a hospitable planet, and I wish it could stay that way. So, Pascal's Wager.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Wisdom of Whores, Part 2
Here's a nugget from the book (p. 127) that made me both blush and grin at the same time, and on the SkyTrain, of all places. Just hope no-one was looking over my shoulders...
To quote my friend Claire in Istanbul, sex is about 'conquest, fantasy, projection, infatuation, mood, anger, vanity, love, pissing off your parents, the risk of getting caught, the pleasure of cuddling afterwards, the thrill of having a secret, feeling desirable, feeling like a man, feeling like a woman, bragging to your mates the next day, getting to see what someone looks like naked and a million-and-one other things'.
What fun it is to be an adult.
To quote my friend Claire in Istanbul, sex is about 'conquest, fantasy, projection, infatuation, mood, anger, vanity, love, pissing off your parents, the risk of getting caught, the pleasure of cuddling afterwards, the thrill of having a secret, feeling desirable, feeling like a man, feeling like a woman, bragging to your mates the next day, getting to see what someone looks like naked and a million-and-one other things'.
What fun it is to be an adult.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Wisdom of Whores, Part 1
As I made my way out of the SkyTrain station, some interesting thoughts arose from reading The Wisdom of Whores.
I'm surrounded by communicable disease epidemiology all day now, and public health follows me everywhere. It really is quite fascinating. It's not the kind of science that I'm used to--in fact, I'm still not sure if it's a science at all, strictly speaking. What I did realize though, was that perhaps I'm not really cut out for some of this stuff.
The book has proven very engaging so far, possibly aided by exotic and rather shady locales, the horrific subject matter of AIDS and an equally appalling but strangely curious cast of characters. Before I started volunteering with the Health Van, there was no way I could have even imagined such populations as described in the book. Sure, I've seen ...things... in movies, but they're so limited and commercialized.
The scents and sounds of a writhing darkness, the threat of disease and the urgency of desire flaunting themselves on every dimly lit street corner, all this is too much for my sheltered mind to process. --I would not last an hour in the frontlines of HIV/AIDS public health. I don't have the stomach for it.
Suppose I've been wrong, that I can't be both good and bad, kind and punishing, honourable and underhanded. That to delve into the deepest pit of human decadence, even just to collect scientific evidence, is to lose whatever good I have left in myself--and possibly more: whatever faith I have left for humanity. Could it be that there is no justification for sacrificing certain ethical principles for the greater good? Could what Franklin said about liberty and security be true?
I'm surrounded by communicable disease epidemiology all day now, and public health follows me everywhere. It really is quite fascinating. It's not the kind of science that I'm used to--in fact, I'm still not sure if it's a science at all, strictly speaking. What I did realize though, was that perhaps I'm not really cut out for some of this stuff.
The book has proven very engaging so far, possibly aided by exotic and rather shady locales, the horrific subject matter of AIDS and an equally appalling but strangely curious cast of characters. Before I started volunteering with the Health Van, there was no way I could have even imagined such populations as described in the book. Sure, I've seen ...things... in movies, but they're so limited and commercialized.
The scents and sounds of a writhing darkness, the threat of disease and the urgency of desire flaunting themselves on every dimly lit street corner, all this is too much for my sheltered mind to process. --I would not last an hour in the frontlines of HIV/AIDS public health. I don't have the stomach for it.
Suppose I've been wrong, that I can't be both good and bad, kind and punishing, honourable and underhanded. That to delve into the deepest pit of human decadence, even just to collect scientific evidence, is to lose whatever good I have left in myself--and possibly more: whatever faith I have left for humanity. Could it be that there is no justification for sacrificing certain ethical principles for the greater good? Could what Franklin said about liberty and security be true?
Friday, April 24, 2009
turbulence
Frustration is building inside me. It threatens to grow out of my bodily frame, and in the process of bursting out of its confines, promises to annihilate that which has harboured it. For weeks, this brooding evil, this unforgiving hatred quietly gathered strength from every injustice done to it, every unpleasant word, gesture, expression directed towards it, every error, however inconsequential, committed by it, until ultimately lashing out with a pitch-black brilliance, like a dark sun exploding.
It makes me want to scream.
With all the humanity inside, the hope, the optimism, the theoretical diligence--how is it possible that such horrid, insufferable pain has been brewing in me for so long, and for no good reason?
My words fail me. So does my reason. The two things which I proudly proclaim that I'm in possession of. My faculties are dulled, my dignity gradually stripped away. Even in the presence of praise and recognition, all that envelops me is reproach, dissatisfaction, fear.... They encircle me, grip me, and suffocate me, so that my heart flutters and chokes in the cold, dead hours of the night, jolts me out of my dreams, and collapses in on itself noiselessly with excruciating force, while I lie suddenly awake, dazed by this curiously foreign feeling that leads tears to involuntarily well up in my sleep-ravaged eyes.
And yet...
"This, too, shall pass."
It makes me want to scream.
With all the humanity inside, the hope, the optimism, the theoretical diligence--how is it possible that such horrid, insufferable pain has been brewing in me for so long, and for no good reason?
My words fail me. So does my reason. The two things which I proudly proclaim that I'm in possession of. My faculties are dulled, my dignity gradually stripped away. Even in the presence of praise and recognition, all that envelops me is reproach, dissatisfaction, fear.... They encircle me, grip me, and suffocate me, so that my heart flutters and chokes in the cold, dead hours of the night, jolts me out of my dreams, and collapses in on itself noiselessly with excruciating force, while I lie suddenly awake, dazed by this curiously foreign feeling that leads tears to involuntarily well up in my sleep-ravaged eyes.
And yet...
"This, too, shall pass."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Personalities and Pursuits (Part 1)
After much--MUCH--assessment and research into my own personality types and the subject matter in general, I think I'm finally close to a practical result.
Between the two kinds of colour-type tests and Myer-Brigg-Keirsey sorters, it seems that I've got a good grasp on both my personality and my behaviour preferences. I am a Red/Blue mix in the Colour Code (CC), and a Gold/Green pair in True Colours (TC)--that means I'm driven by power and altruism, and compelled by duty and competence. Results from MBK are a little more elusive, but that's the part that's interesting: the difficulty in settling on a type is what's troubling me in general.
It's too complicated to enumerate all the points and descriptions of these results, and in any case likely to be pointless. After all, data is meaningless without interpretation. Here now I will attempt at amalgamating and deciphering everything that I've found out in the past little while, in the hopes of identifying and repairing what's broken in me.
Why so unhappy?
Here's epiphany #1. If I were born as a CC Red--someone who is power-hungry and entirely committed to a goal without worrying about cost, how could I not be on the verge of pulling out my own hair if I started doubting my every decision? That's the difference between the Mastermind and the Architect. I feel like I've been forced to wait and explore other options because I no longer trust my own judgment. This has truly been my biggest challenge and my greatest fear: to be wrong, and to suffer the consequences. Worse yet, as a TC Green, I truly hate myself, and the TC Gold part of me that yearns for belonging automatically hauls me out from academia, because I've basically intellectually soiled myself, and the Green side will never let me forget that.
But what's the big deal with physics anyway? Sure, I value logic and intelligence, but there must be other fields that demonstrate wisdom and ingenuity without exposing my mutilated self-esteem to my obviously (--'cuz what else would they be?) derisive and critical peers.
Logically, there can be only two choices: either I demonstrate competence to myself, or I make peace with the fact that I failed. The former requires me to go back to exactly where I fell and try again to stand up on my own; the latter requires emotional detachment from the matter and finding another path where I will hopefully succeed. I'm taking a two-pronged approach, lest I repeat my previous mistake of putting all my grade-C eggs in one Biophysics basket-case. (--Boy, is THAT a mixed metaphor!)
I honestly don't believe I can't succeed. The more I did those tests, the more confident I became in my own abilities--those that I do possess, that is, and boy are they ever plentiful! Most people woul kill me and steal my brain to have that which I have, and here I am griping about how these god-given faculties are a burden to my progress!
I'm content as a Gold, but I'm really happy as a Green. Thinking back to the days and moments when I was truly enjoying myself, the activities at the time tend to be associated with those that Greens would find appealing. On the other hand, due to limited exposure to people and relationships, I hadn't quite developed my Gold colour, which leads me to believe that that color is the supportive colour, whereas Green is the dominant one.
Why did Gold develop?
I've always valued competency as a Green child, with competence and a sense of purpose, duty is a natural by-product. The other values evolved out of duty, I suppose. But the interesting part is security and the sense of belonging. In general, I'm not overly conscious of being accepted, because mainstream categories are, in my opinion, simply stupid anyway. However, with what I deem important--such as intelligence, ingenuity, expertise, perfection, truth, etc.--I silently crave approval and recognition.
Between the two kinds of colour-type tests and Myer-Brigg-Keirsey sorters, it seems that I've got a good grasp on both my personality and my behaviour preferences. I am a Red/Blue mix in the Colour Code (CC), and a Gold/Green pair in True Colours (TC)--that means I'm driven by power and altruism, and compelled by duty and competence. Results from MBK are a little more elusive, but that's the part that's interesting: the difficulty in settling on a type is what's troubling me in general.
It's too complicated to enumerate all the points and descriptions of these results, and in any case likely to be pointless. After all, data is meaningless without interpretation. Here now I will attempt at amalgamating and deciphering everything that I've found out in the past little while, in the hopes of identifying and repairing what's broken in me.
Why so unhappy?
Here's epiphany #1. If I were born as a CC Red--someone who is power-hungry and entirely committed to a goal without worrying about cost, how could I not be on the verge of pulling out my own hair if I started doubting my every decision? That's the difference between the Mastermind and the Architect. I feel like I've been forced to wait and explore other options because I no longer trust my own judgment. This has truly been my biggest challenge and my greatest fear: to be wrong, and to suffer the consequences. Worse yet, as a TC Green, I truly hate myself, and the TC Gold part of me that yearns for belonging automatically hauls me out from academia, because I've basically intellectually soiled myself, and the Green side will never let me forget that.
But what's the big deal with physics anyway? Sure, I value logic and intelligence, but there must be other fields that demonstrate wisdom and ingenuity without exposing my mutilated self-esteem to my obviously (--'cuz what else would they be?) derisive and critical peers.
Logically, there can be only two choices: either I demonstrate competence to myself, or I make peace with the fact that I failed. The former requires me to go back to exactly where I fell and try again to stand up on my own; the latter requires emotional detachment from the matter and finding another path where I will hopefully succeed. I'm taking a two-pronged approach, lest I repeat my previous mistake of putting all my grade-C eggs in one Biophysics basket-case. (--Boy, is THAT a mixed metaphor!)
I honestly don't believe I can't succeed. The more I did those tests, the more confident I became in my own abilities--those that I do possess, that is, and boy are they ever plentiful! Most people woul kill me and steal my brain to have that which I have, and here I am griping about how these god-given faculties are a burden to my progress!
I'm content as a Gold, but I'm really happy as a Green. Thinking back to the days and moments when I was truly enjoying myself, the activities at the time tend to be associated with those that Greens would find appealing. On the other hand, due to limited exposure to people and relationships, I hadn't quite developed my Gold colour, which leads me to believe that that color is the supportive colour, whereas Green is the dominant one.
Why did Gold develop?
I've always valued competency as a Green child, with competence and a sense of purpose, duty is a natural by-product. The other values evolved out of duty, I suppose. But the interesting part is security and the sense of belonging. In general, I'm not overly conscious of being accepted, because mainstream categories are, in my opinion, simply stupid anyway. However, with what I deem important--such as intelligence, ingenuity, expertise, perfection, truth, etc.--I silently crave approval and recognition.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Love and Loss
Amidst the inauguration of Obama, the melting polar icecaps, and the significant-to-nobody-but-me daily grind, where does intimacy reside?
We all want to be grown-ups, yet maintain and nurture that playful inner child. We want to be sheltered by the warmth that only those who truly love us can provide, and yet we are impatient to wriggle free of the seemingly stifling attention and make our marks on the world. In the process of this struggle, so often is intimacy lost, either taken for granted in a moment of petulance, or entirely overlooked as pressure from the outside world grinds us down. We must be exhausted, and lonely, to boot.
What does it really mean to be mature? Is it the ability to see the world for the harsh and cold place it really is? Is it being able to enjoy the company of a person to whom one is attracted, yet not push for a forbidden act? Is it having more questions than answers and to be content, or even proud in so doing?
Last night, Michelle and Barack danced as the world watched. For a few minutes, they could put aside the serious, almost grave business of running the still most powerful country in the world: that begins in the morning. For now, there's only the two of them. A promising leader, and his beautifully humble wife, in each other's arms, smiling at the victory, at each other.
We all want to be grown-ups, yet maintain and nurture that playful inner child. We want to be sheltered by the warmth that only those who truly love us can provide, and yet we are impatient to wriggle free of the seemingly stifling attention and make our marks on the world. In the process of this struggle, so often is intimacy lost, either taken for granted in a moment of petulance, or entirely overlooked as pressure from the outside world grinds us down. We must be exhausted, and lonely, to boot.
What does it really mean to be mature? Is it the ability to see the world for the harsh and cold place it really is? Is it being able to enjoy the company of a person to whom one is attracted, yet not push for a forbidden act? Is it having more questions than answers and to be content, or even proud in so doing?
Last night, Michelle and Barack danced as the world watched. For a few minutes, they could put aside the serious, almost grave business of running the still most powerful country in the world: that begins in the morning. For now, there's only the two of them. A promising leader, and his beautifully humble wife, in each other's arms, smiling at the victory, at each other.
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